A 50 adventure

When you toe the line, the course is the same for everyone.  The course does not care about how fast you run it, what your day was like, who you are, what you've done at other races, or how your preparation went.  The course will humble you and can even defeat you.  The course is what it is, nothing we do as runners will change it.  During my first foray into the 50 mile distance, the course humbled me, but certainly did not defeat me.
Just a heads up, there might be some explicit word in this one as I replay what was going on in my head during the race.  Sorry Grandmas.
I'm starting this Sunday night just after getting out of an epsom salt bath.  I have a blister that seems to be taking over the second toe on my right foot

and four blackened toenails that I may lose.
Jason, Anne, and I had talked about bumping up from the 50K we did in 2016 to a 50 mile race.  I forget exactly how/who, but somehow Wild Hare 50 miler was the chosen race.  I signed up in May and started training "officially" in July.  I've catalogued a lot of my training in the blog, so I'll just do a quick recap.  The running part of my training went pretty well.  I set a few PRs and had several good races during training.  My longest training run was 50K and that went pretty well too.  There were a few runs that I missed due to scheduling or, a couple of times, laziness, but I was able to get in my biggest weeks and months ever.
One thing I could have improved during training was my diet.  I started a little over 170 pounds and I had a goal weight of 160.  I got away from my primal diet that I followed the last year and only got down to 165.  This ended up playing on race day.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to take the day before the race off.  My boss was able to get me out 30 minutes early, but that was it.  We hurried to La Grange, picking up an unhealthy dinner from Sonic on the way.  We were lucky that Tracy had talked Claire and Eric into letting us stay at the Airbnb they got, even with the cockroaches and creepy backyard. We weren't able to get in until about 9:30 and everyone else in the house was already in bed.  Getting into bed around 10, Mila and I had to be careful since we only had a single bed to share.  Obviously, I didn't sleep all that well.
We got up around 3:45, I threw down some cottage cheese with raspberries, blueberries, and honey, and left around 4:20.
Not only was Tracy awesome in securing us a place to stay, she also grabbed my packet so I could take a hurried "crumpled flat runner" pic.

We arrived only about 15 minutes before the start time and had to hurry to get my ankle timer (it seriously looked like we were all under house arrest).  Luckily, I had time to run to the portapotty and Mila was able to find a spot to set us up.  Knowing where that spot was helped out later.  I got to the starting line with less than a minute before the start.  41 runners started the race and I noticed that many of them were older than me.  It's a bit weird being one of the youngest runners.
The race is a loop race, with each loop measuring 7.8 miles.  If you've lost your TI-84, that was 6 full loops, and a 3.2 mile mini loop to start.  I misread the map and thought the first mini loop would bring me back to the start, so I told Mila that I'd be back in roughly 30-35 minutes and left without grabbing anything to eat.  The morning was pretty warm, roughly 70 degrees, and muggy.  I'm sure that played a part in how the race turned out.

Super Ready, you guys 

starting line view 

Just after startng, you can see how much we lit up the course

Mila, of course, made sure to grab a picture of me before we started and we took off.  The first half of a mile or so went through an open field, most of it being single track.  In fact, most of the course was single track.  Being 5 am, I really had no idea what was going on beyond the trail itself.  We took off single file and spirits were high throughout the field.  There was a lot of chatter going on, so I decided to not listen to my iPod.  In the dark, we could really tell how much the course looped back on itself, as we could see lights all over the woods and hear people talking even if we could not see them.

 My race plan, I thought, was very doable.  The website boasted that the course was relatively flat, and that was true.  I wanted to run the flats at a 10-10:30 pace and the hillier or tougher sections 11-11:30 pace.  I figured this would give me an average of about 4 minutes per aid station.  Well, I hit one of those three averages. Since it was dark, I couldn't get a great view of my watch, but I felt that I was running a low 9 pace for much of the first mile. I realized my watch was off when it reported a 10:27 mile.  My problem was that I noticed that my heart rate was jumping up to 170.  I spent much of my first loop and a half slowing myself down trying to get it down.  Luckily the halfway aid station had a gel for me to eat.  Since I'd misunderstood the map, poor Mila sat around waiting for me for an hour.  She shot me a text but... I'd left my phone in the car.  My portable charger too.  She and her mom retired to the car to take a nap like sensible people.  Finishing my first full loop, they were still napping (it was still only 7 am), so I quickly switched Camelbaks and grabbed a couple of Gus and headed back out.  I was still feeling pretty good and my 10 hour semi-goal was definitely a possibility.
The funny thing is, I rarely fall during the night.  I guess I am more careful about my foot placement.  I stumbed a few times in the dark, but never went down.  You can guess where this is going.  I fell twice during the second loop.  Luckily, they weren't bad falls.  I tripped on roots on dirt or sand and could easily roll right back to my feet.  The second loop was a continuation of the first in that I was battling with a soaring heart rate while feeling strong.  I would get into a rhythm for a bit then look down and realize I should slow down.  It was pretty frustrating.  While I was out on my second loop, Mila and her mom woke up and got some pics of the area around the start/finish line:

MOOO!!!!!

Hey, pretty sure that's Tracy

Mas Moos

Is that another shot of the amazing Tracy?

Since the sun had come up during the second loop, I was able to see all of the cow patties, including one directly on the trail (by the 5th loop it had a footprint dead in the center).  I was curious about where all the cows were.  Apparently, the ranchers cordoned them off away from the course.  More to amuse myself than anything else, I'd randomly point at a cow patty and yell out "This is BULLSHIT!"  pretty sure no one found it as funny as I did though.
While we were out there for the second loop, the 10K started.  That was a little frustrating as it seemingly doubled the people on the course.  With the course being mostly single track, there was a lot of having to step off track to either pass or, more likely, let faster runners through.  At least I didn't see people physically blocking or bumping on the trails.
I was happy to see Mila waiting for me when I finished the second loop.  She was encouraging and ready to help with whatever I needed.  We did have a little problem getting the pickle jar open though.  I switched my Camelbak for a 20 oz water bottle, thinking that I'd just be able to fill up at the halfway point.  Dropping those 5 pounds off my back immediately fell good.  I also grabbed some dark chocolate covered macadamia nuts and threw them in the plastic baggy in my pocket.

jogging to the porch aid station

swig n go

I felt pretty good starting the third loop.  Between that boost I got from seeing Mila and dropping the Camelbak weight, I started "quickly," running one of my fastest miles of the day.  However, it wasn't long until the course started to take its toll on me.  Both of my knees were starting to hurt. I think a lot of that is from them acting as shock absorbers every time my foot slipped or turned on a root or rock.  They were jostled back and forth quite often and both started to smart.  At the 1/3 mark, I was still on pace to run under 10 but I knew I wasn't going to get there.  Well, I was pretty sure on the distance.  By that point my watch was roughly a mile off.  It was kind of freeing though.  My thought of sub-10 wasn't exactly a goal, it was more of an estimate.  My A goal was to finish.  I figured a sub 10 finish would give me an indicator on whether a sub 24 Western States 100 would be a possibility, but it was really unimportant.  I'm going to go with the highlight of loop 3 being that I saw Tracy.  While I was at the halfway aid station, she was starting her loop.  I was so out of it that it took a couple people to get my attention. It was also getting hot during the 3rd loop, eventually reaching the low 80s.  I decided that since I wasn't wearing a Camelbak anyway, I'd go shirtless.

finishing the 3rd loop

Since I had already accepted that a sub 10 hour finish was not going to happen, I focused even more on relaxing and just trying to run more than walk.  I came through the marathon distance around 5:35, a time I was happy with.  Loop 4 also brought the wind.  We had some crazy gusts that would hit us in the fields.  With the 10K runners being gone, the runners were pretty spead out again.  My knees were either a bit numb or just stopped hurting because they stopped bothering me. 
Loop 4 was when I started to realize my potential energy problems.  I couldn't get anything solid down.  I could eat bananas, oranges, gus, and even pickle spears for days.  Every time I tried anything else, it would just stick in my mouth.  Even though I had already had a couple gallons of water/Tailwind, I was still a bit thirsty and any food needed to be chased with water.  I started to worry about hyponatremia.  I wasn't in a place to accurately tell and honestly I don't know enough about it to have been able to.  I just noticed that I was drinking A LOT more than I'd thought.  I finished my first water bottle at the aid station, drank another half of a water bottle, and filled it back up.  It was gone with a mile left on the loop.  At that point, I decided to walk the lap in.  I'd finished 50K in just under 7 hours and started to wonder why I didn't just sign up for that instead. 
Remember those chocolate covered macadamias?  They were still in my baggy.  The thing is, so was my toilet paper.  I ate one that was covered with TP fuzzies.  After a bit, I started to think about the heat.  Upon checking my pocket, I saw that the TP in my bag looked used.  So much for that brilliant idea.

marching out to start the 4th loop

I was getting sunburned out there, so I decided that a shirt was probably a good idea.  At the end of the 4th loop, I stopped at the porta potty and my awesome crew of 1 got stuff ready for me.  I asked Mila if she'd be able to go from crew to pacer for the last few miles and started working on how that would work.  The loops by this point could be broken into 2 simple things, get to the orange slices, and get to Mila.  Seeing her smiling, encouraging face each loop made me feel just a little less sucky.  I could tell how the race was going so I was hoping she'd be able to finish it up with me.  I was still on pace for under 12 hours but I honestly didn't care.
I forgot my phone in the car but Tracy was able to get some pics of a course that was pretty.

photo credit: Tejas Trails

photo credit: Tracy Weber

photo credit: Tracy Weber

photo credit: Tracy Weber

photo credit: Tracy Weber

this picture was taken at the top of the biggest climb of the race.  Luckily there was something to grab onto photo credit: Tracy Weber

The 5th loop was really when the wheels came off.  My iPod died during the 4th loop so I had a lot of time in my own head.  For some reason, I had Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" stuck in my head.  That became a real worry towards the end of the race as I worried about getting caught in the woods without my headlamp.  I also had a couple of mantras.  My goal for that specific loop was "do what you can."  That meant if I could run, run.  If I needed to walk, walk.  Just get to the next aid station however I could.  The other mantra I had was "just fucking finish."  My main goal was just to finish the race, no matter the time.  Even if I had to use the entire 15 hour time limit and come in at 14:59:59, I was going to finish.  I was not going to give up.  I had long since outrun my glycogen stores, hence the lack of energy.  My calves, quads, and feet threatened to cramp every time I jogged.  Well, my left foot cramped EVERY time I started to jog.
I was in that dark place that ultra runners talk about.  Just. Fucking. Finish.  (my next relay team just might be named "J.F.F. - Just Finish") Every time I got tripped up by a root or rock, I'd tell it to go fuck itself.  I thought back to all those running podcasts I'd listened to and became a bit angry with them.  How dare they make it sound so fun and easy?  How dare Candace Burt, after starting her 200 mile race series look for interest in a 500 mile race.  Courtney Dauwalter, the woman that beat all comers by 10 hours during the Moab 240, recently appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience. Her flippant attitude about diet (powered by nachos and beer), stretching (I try to but usually forget), recovery, and cross training (yeah I should do that) angered me to no end while trudging through.  She doesn't even get black toe nails!  I was definitely in a dark place if I was hating on someone like her.  Don't worry, I don't actually feel that way.  My other "dark place" thought - "come on bitch, keep going."  Every time I slowed down too much or believed I could be moving quicker, I came up with that positive little nugget. 
I talked to a few other runners during the loop and that was nice.  I also went back and forth with a couple people and it was nice to have a real person around me.

finishing loop 5 

I'll get to you eventually

I was tired.  My encouraging, smiling crew of one turned to a crew of two as Tracy had finished her 50K (her first ultra!) while I was doing my 5th loop.  While I used the bathroom they hurried to get my Camelbak filled for the last loop.  My arms were tired from carrying water bottles.  I may be a little evil, but seeing someone drop, the guy I had gone back and forth with the most, gave me a bit of energy.  That wouldn't be me.  Just. Fucking. Finish.
Mila promised to meet me at the last aid station to walk the last 4 miles.  The pain in my knees had returned but there was only 7.8 miles left.  Just. Fucking. Finish.
I walked a bit to start my last loop, ensuring that Mila would be able to meet and pace me, and then decided to try and run some.  I muttered "last fucking loop" under my breath and took off!  OK, so I was tottering along at probably a 13 minute mile pace (my watch had died on the last loop) and I stopped to walk at the first incline.  By incline, I mean it was literally 2 steps to the top.  I told Mila that the 3.5 miles would take me 45 minutes to an hour so I was going to try and jog as much as I could.  I learned my lesson quickly.  The next time I decided to jog, I took a couple of steps before tripping on a root.  While in midair, a huge cramp hit my right calf.  I landed in a heap with my right leg seized up.  As I found the nearest stump to jam my foot against, I started to laugh like a crazy person.  I said aloud "well I guess that teaches me to try and run."  After a minute or so, I was able to stand and was able to get to the aid station, walking 90% of the distance.
Mila was waiting for me at the aid station.  It was a little disheartening to see them tearing it down as I showed up but I knew I only have 4ish miles left.  JFF, right?  I was almost there.  4 miles would be a long way, but that's all that was left, and I would have a pacer. 

Trail Roots, a running group from Austin manned this station and they were amazed.  I was hoping they were an apparel company so I could rock their gear.  If I'm ever in Austin for a run, I'll for sure look them up

mmmm orange slice

4 miles left!

Mila was amazing as a pacer.  I told her that I didn't have any run left in my legs, so she just held my hand and walked with me.  (She also failed to see the humor in my hilarious "This is BULLSHIT" joke)  My right knee was on fire by this point and any step up or down was taking haltingly.  She patiently waited for me on the steep decline that I had slipped on during the 5th loop and offered her hand or shoulder on each up or down.  During the first mile I told her stories from the trail and she was exceedingly positive and encouraging.  Around mile 47 was when I was completely spent.  I was so tired that even speaking at a normal volume was an effort.  I'd get frustrated when I would say something quietly and Mila couldn't hear.  Not frustrated with her, just frustrated at the effort it would take to restate it.  Mila commented that she'd never seen me so mad.  It's not that, I told her, I was just drained entirely.  I was incredibly happy that she was there with me, just had no way of showing it.  My stomach was doing flips and I just knew I was going to vomit somewhere on the course.  Luckily, I came close, but never did.  We marched on, her chittering excitedly and me content with the fact that she was there with me.  (Somewhere in there she told me that I'm never doing this again.  Days later, she mentioned that at that point she was worried that I was going to drop.)  At one point I asked her to tell me a story and she obliged.  I was hoping for a 45 minute story but... a 5 minute story worked.  I had also told her the night before that ultra runners sometimes hallucinate while out on long runs.  Within minutes of telling her that I hadn't, I saw a woman that wasn't there.  We were around mile 49 and I swore that I saw a women on the course taking pictures.  I took Mila's vocalization as confirmation but was freaked out a minute later when we got close enough to see that the photographer was actually a downed tree.
We crossed the finish line at dusk, 5:53 pm.  With a start time of 5 am, my finishing time was 12:53:48.  That was good enough for 25th place.  Of the 41 runners at the starting line, there were 27 finishers.  I'd done it!  Barely.  I was grateful to have finished.  The volunteers and employees were incredible all day.  Fellow runners were the same, cheering each other on and offering support.  Tracy, Claire, and Eric waited for hours until I finished to cheer me on.  Mila was simply amazing.  I don't know if I would have been able to finish if she wasn't there. 

The Amazing Tracy and I.  Congrats on becoming an ultramarathoner!

She's basically holding me up here

So, what're my thoughts? I'm proud to have finished but... I'm annoyed that I didn't do better.  I bonked.  However, I don't know how I could have done better.  My fat burning could have been better if my diet had been better during the buildup, but I simply couldn't take in solid food on race day.  The pain in my knees might have told me that 100 miles isn't in the cards for me.  I think I'm OK with that.  When Mila told me that I can't do this again while on the course, I told her "I would bust the kneecaps of anyone that asks me to do this with them, don't worry."  #darkplace.  I think not knowing how to really improve is what makes me not yearn to do another.  I did it.  I think I was able to answer some the questions I had about myself in The Struggle.  I was able to go to a dark place, my absolute limit, want to give up, hallucinate a little, be in tremendous amounts of pain, and still just fucking finish.